Babies, Babies, Everywhere

...and not a drop to drink?

Babies are everywhere lately. My best friend has a 3 month old. Facebook is a poppin' with babies. There are three new parents/pregnant people in my department at work. And I just found out that an ex-friend is expecting. Which is ultimately what threw me for a loop.

Suddenly my life feels like a race, and I'm wheezing and gasping, bringing up the rear. Which is stupid. I know this. It does not matter in the slightest that other people have houses. It does not matter that other people have babies. What matters is that WE do what's best for US, right now.

Neither of us want a townhome. When we buy a home, it's going to be single-family, freestanding. We've got a substantial down payment saved but we have to be able to afford mortgage payments.

We're not two-income right now, but that's okay. Husband earned the right* to go to school. By working hard at college, he's preparing to snag a most excellent job later on.

We cannot, repeat cannot, afford a baby right now. I'm the primary breadwinner - ergo, I can't be taking unpaid maternity leave. And you'd better believe that at my company, it's unpaid. Besides, I'm on a medicine that requires six months minimum detox before trying to conceive, and my health has to stay stable through those six months so I have half a chance of coming through a pregnancy okay.

I don't even WANT a baby right now. Well, correct that. I would love a baby. I don't want a pregnancy. Ucks, ucks, and gross, and again ucks. Other pregnant women? Beautiful. Fascinating. Exciting. Me? No friggin' way. Can't I just skip to the newborn and pass by all the nasty physical effects?

Which brings me back to my original topic: why, in God's name, would I feel the urge to have a baby if I don't really want one? Because it's a competition, and I can't let someone else get there first.

I know this is not rational. I know these feelings are my ticket to Crazytown and I've got no way to excuse them. But I can't, and won't, deny that they're there. I've just got to work through them.

It's not a competition. It's not a competition. It's not a competition. It's not a competition. It's not a competition.

Right?

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*Husband was in the Marines and spent some time in active combat. As far as I'm concerned, that has earned him the right to go to school without having to hold down a job on top of that.