Note to self: Nothing beats a fight at your in-laws' for sheer painful awkwardness. Ever done that? Our fight was a cry-and-talk-about-your-feelings fight rather than a scream-and-blame fight, and it turned out to be an incredibly revealing, useful conversation, but still. Kind hard to pass that one off as "nothing". My point is, that fight is motivating my leap back into Monthly Goals. I came away from that conversation with a new way of seeing how my behavior holds myself back and sometimes alienates my poor husband. So my goals this month are mostly designed to work me away from fear and paralysis and inaction and to increase my self worth and confidence and action. Don't worry - Hubs has a to-do list too. It's just not mine to share here. On to the goals:
1. Have a serious conversation with my husband - W is so, so smart. Like, ridiculously so. And he was raised in a very smart, very politically aware household - that happened to be very conservative. So I always love to hear what he has to say, but I'm terrified of debating him, or even engaging in a high level conversation with him. I'll pause for a second so you can absorb how utterly ridiculous that is. The fact is, I'm highly emotional and intuitive, and that informs my opinions on things. He's very logical, and can quote numbers, studies, history, and authors. I can't quote Plato. I can't tell you about the First Depression. So I get flummoxed. My reasoning has always been - why would I put myself in the position to feel stupid and humiliated (even if that's never what he'd intend)? But in avoiding conversations, I'm denying a big part of my Husband's person - the need to connect on an intellectual level. And besides that, I make one boring wife. So in conclusion, I've got to put myself out there at least once this month. The first one's the hardest, right?
2. Get a good picture of our debt - We let our Mint account lapse for the longest time but I'm starting it up again. With the revelation about how just unready we are to take on a car loan, it's time that I get obsessive about this. First step: knowing exactly what's what and how much we owe to whom.
3. While I'm on the important stuff, have a happy anniversary. - We're two years a week from today. Next weekend we have no traveling planned, we have a bunch of wine we've been gifted over the years, and a gorgeous town to celebrate in.
2. Finish something. - I have a dress lining that's been stagnant for months and an interest in baking bread that's stopped cold because a first failure throws me for a loop and I become frozen. Time to get off the obsessions with waste and inability and time to start learning again.
7. Paint these windowsills! - If I have any energy left, I'd like to get these three windowsills in the greatroom scraped and painted so we can take down the nasty old blinds and put up some fresh curtains.
We'll see how all of this goes. I know I'm going to falter and have setbacks. But to move forward, one first has to move.