Is that all?

So. We're homeowners. It was all at once an excruciating, stressful process, and a moment in time that happened faster that I could blink.

Yesterday's closing was, in retrospect, anticlimactic; we did our final walk through, went over to the title company, signed papers for a bit, and we were done. Oh yeah, and handed over the biggest check I'd ever held in my entire life.

The seller lives out of state, so he wasn't at the closing. It was just the selling agent, our agent, the notary public (I think that's what she was), and Mr. PW and I. Everyone else was having fun, laughing, joking around, and I couldn't hear any of it because inside me was a tight ball of fear and overwhelmed-ness and anger - yes, anger, I don't know why - and I just wanted everyone to stop finding this so fucking fun, because it wasn't fun, okay? It wasn't. Up until the very end, when the ridiculously perky notary public chirped out "Hey! You just bought a house!" I was waiting for someone to stand up and declare that nope, the rules had changed Yet Again, and we didn't get the house and we're not worthy of this massive amount of debt. But somehow that never happened. We scooped up our piles of papers, hugged our realtor, and went to our favorite diner for pancakes.

I'm pretty sure I was a buzzkill for Mr. PW. He was trying to coax a smile out of me, asking me how I felt, getting me to remember how stressed I was while we were hunting, and I couldn't. I just couldn't feel happy or relieved or anything. I was just totally and completely numb. And exhausted. The rest of the day I could barely keep my eyes open.

It wasn't even bad, as transactions go. Yeah, the hunting part was stressful. Until we found our house, we'd get so excited about showing after showing only to be disappointed in the actual property or even worse, being told by our realtor that there was an offer on it - mere hours before our appointment. I think we only managed to snag this one because we were literally the first people to view it, and we put an offer in within three hours. At least it wasn't a foreclosure, we didn't have to deal with that current form of insanity. It was so aboveboard that I really have no room to complain, objectively. But I still hated almost all of it. We actually watched some close friends of ours go through the process of buying a foreclosure - they offered in February and their closing got pushed back four times thanks to wankery by Bank of America, and only managed to close a couple of weeks before we did. They had to get a lawyer involved. It was ridiculous. I know some of you out there have had similar troubles - I'm looking at you, Emily - so I know we're fortunate.

I'm still tired. I'm still numb. 24 hours of perspective has allowed me to be a bit calmer, lose a bit of the anger at the torturous, nervewracking process, and start planning forward for the first things to get done (hire a plumber! buy primer!) but I'm still wondering when I'll feel like I can celebrate.

Sorry, is that a downer end to a post? Here, have a photo.