Ever get so mad...


It's only 11:30 in the morning and I am STRUGGLING with my temper. People are making me so angry today, mostly because they think the rules don't apply to them - everything from the laws of physics (HUSBAND) to rules about frickin' expense reports (follow the rules, or don't; but if you don't, you won't get reimbursed. The end). Top it off with a full week of people oversharing - when someone asks you how your holidays were, the polite response is "Fine! Yours?", not a ten-minute spiel about very private, personal issues you are having - and I'm more than a little drained. Layer over it 33-week fatigue and pain (Braxton-Hicks contractions can go to hell) and I'm really wishing I could start over and try again.

AND my boss is out for the day. Her office door is closed. Her light is off. There is a sign on the door stating that she will be out all day. I will let you guess how many people have walked into our office to ask if she's in.

My temper has always been my #1 problem - it can flare in an instant, and burn hot for hours or simmer for weeks. It's a 75% chance I'm angry at myself - for being klutzy, for being stupid, for having a hard time doing simple tasks compared to other people - but I know I affect others, especially my poor husband and my family. It's something I always work on but have made little progress on.

Oh yes, I will tell you what Mr. PW did, since he doesn't read this anyway. When you step into a crosswalk and see that an oncoming car is not going to stop, what is the best course of action?

a. stop walking and step back onto the curb

b. play chicken with the oncoming car, just to prove a point to the driver about pedestrians

Any sane person would choose a, right? Except for my husband, who apparently occasionally likes to feel aggressive and superior and pick fights with strangers. So not only is he willing to risk pain, medical bills, recovery time, loss of wages, and possible permanent disability, he's willing to do it all in front of me so I can witness one of my worst fears coming true. FIVE WEEKS before we're supposed to have a kid.

I admit to not thinking things through all the damn time, but COME ON.

So that's how my morning started. I hope yours is going better.

Well, okay then.

I feel like when you're pregnant every minor problem takes on the sheen of emergency. Today's fun: 

I called our vet this morning to check in about getting mood altering drugs for Sam this morning and was sheepishly informed that she had "left to pursue other opportunities". While this would be a bummer under any circumstances, it's suddenly super obnoxious because we were supposed to get a scrip from her for Prozac for our anxious old man. Now we have to start all over with a new vet, and quickly. So I spent part of my workday getting recommendations from friends (their awesome house-call vet isn't taking new patients) and arranging an appointment for Saturday morning with an alternative and arranging for records to be faxed over.

While we loved our old vet (she was a Cat Lady through and through) she had been dragging her feet on getting Sam settled into this drug, and I was getting frustrated. His bloodwork was all clean - there was really no reason to wait, and it the meantime he was getting more and more unstable. Like I told the receptionist on the phone today. he's at about a 72, and we need him at a 4. The other good thing is that now instead of having to haul ass halfway across town to take our guys in, the new vet is only a couple of neighborhoods over, in a new facility, and she has 38 years of experience. And evening hours Mondays and Wednesdays!

So maybe it was time. But maybe this could have happened six weeks ago, huh?



One the list of things I wish I was doing right now:

  • taking a shower
  • sleeping
  • not wearing pants
  • mopping my basement floor
  • grocery shopping
  • binding my current quilt
  • taking a load of junk to the recycling center
  • taking a load of stuff to St. Vinny's
  • Christmas shopping (online, of course - what am I, a savage?)
  • 100 other things that need my energy

What I am currently doing:

  • none of these. Thanks, work week.
(Thank you, Tody. I KNOW.) 

(Thank you, Tody. I KNOW.) 


  • Cold. So cold. Fleece-lined leggings are being shipped as we speak from A Pea in the Pod but not fast enough. I keep joking that I'm waiting for the preggo warmth to kick in but dude, this is not funny.
  • Regressing to ten years old and eating all the cereal everywhere.  Cheerios and Kix are my absolute jam right now. I am rationalizing this by a) watching my sugar intake and b) eating it with whole milk, because yay calcium?
  • Nesting in the form of THROWING SHIT OUT. I have a goal of taking a full Subaru-load to St. Vinny's this Saturday, and I bet I could do it, easily. But beyond that, there's crap everywhere! Example: We have a dozen plain blue mugs that came with our everyday tableware that we have never once in our seven plus years of marriage used. We're either using mugs we've collected from various spots or breaking out the fancy china. IT'S ALL GOTTA GO. I have a feeling I will be pushing Mr. PW past his limits of comfort with this. He hangs on to every single keepsake from every moment in his life, which is sweet... until it's not. December first, that crib will be up, come hell or high water. And there's a lot of clearing out to do before then.  
  • Writing thank you notes until my arm falls off.
  • Trying to finish the baby quilt I started months ago for the niece that was born Saturday morning. I only have the binding left! Why can't I finish??
  • Mulling over this glorious advice from my friend Allison, The Best Pediatrician In The World (tm): (best imagined with lots of hand waving) "This is my spiel: newborns are calm for about 24 hours until they realize they're on the outside... And then they are PANTS ON FIRE. It's just who they are and what they do! If they were mellow, you wouldn't take care of them and they wouldn't get fed! 'Ahem, excuse me, I do believe I might be a bit peckish' doesn't get the same response as SCRRREEEEEAAAAAMMM. So, just understand that, it's just a part of it. So when they're sleeping, you sleep, and make sure the sleep you get adds up to an amount that makes the day survivable. It's not about productivity or getting ahead in the first few weeks, it is about surviving. If you can take shifts, that helps too - 'I have the baby for the next four hours, you go sleep or pretend to sleep or shower or... whatever'.  Just do what you have to do to stay sane." Let me tell you, I'd rather get advice from her than old women who've never had kids. She also said The Happiest Baby On the Block was indispensable, and to splurge on the DVD. I already have the book, so go me. I watched my sister in law use the methods on her inconsolable nephew a couple of weeks back and it was magical.
(In the pink: sister in law swinging and shushing. In her arms: her nephew, who did not take kindly to his first flight and being passed around at his shower and the longest day he'd ever had. On the floor: other sister in law, new mother of about two weeks, ready to lose her damn mind at her child, grateful for two minutes of quiet.)

(In the pink: sister in law swinging and shushing. In her arms: her nephew, who did not take kindly to his first flight and being passed around at his shower and the longest day he'd ever had. On the floor: other sister in law, new mother of about two weeks, ready to lose her damn mind at her child, grateful for two minutes of quiet.)


  • I have a growth scan and my glucose test today. I was going to document more of this pregnancy but people have been so rude and invasive, or have not respected my wishes concerning my privacy, so I find myself curling in and not sharing anything with anyone, if I can help it. I'm not sure when pregnancy became such a public event, but if I won't talk to you about my weekend, what makes you think I'm going to talk to you about my body's most intimate functions? SMDH.
  • Oh hey, know what's awesome? My boss ambushing me on my way into the office, reprimanding me for sending through a report with all the wrong funding. Once I get get settled and look at the report, the notes clearly state that at the time she approved said funding. Not sure how to handle this in a way that doesn't come across as bitchy. 
  • You owe it to yourself to give Anthony Bourdain's Les Halles French Onion Soup a try. We made it on Halloween when I had time to let those onions cook down and down and down into a brown, gooey, sweet mess.  
  • Also! Halloween! I LOVE TRICK OR TREATERS. I even love the teenagers. As long as you shout "trick or treat!" you're getting a prize from me.* Our best costumes of the night, hands down: a pair of seven year olds dressed as Abraham Lincoln and Ben Franklin. I MEAN COME ON. We participated in the Teal Pumpkin project this year and offered glow sticks, pens and pencils, temporary tattoos, and other non-food items alongside our candy. I was super surprised to find that almost all of the kids chose a non-candy item over the sugar! I don't think I'm even going to offer candy next year.
    * I stared at one little girl until she said it, followed quickly by ".. even though I DON'T like SAYING IT!". I just about turned her over my knee. Stay home then, little diva.
Resting after our traumatic visit to The Bad Place Where They Take Your Temperature.

Resting after our traumatic visit to The Bad Place Where They Take Your Temperature.

  • And then the truly scary part of the weekend: Saturday morning I couldn't find a piece of yarn I'd left on the kitchen table. This would have been less of a big deal if it hadn't had a giant needle threaded on it. I turned the kitchen and every likely spot in the house upside down to no avail. Commence freaking out that one of the cats had swallowed it, because cats don't always think logically. A $300 trip to the emergency vet for X-rays later, everyone's in the clear and I'm baffled. Last night I found it wrapped up in the Velcro of a lunchbag, sitting on the counter waiting to be washed. I'm just relieved that my incredibly stupid moment didn't hurt any of my babies. Mr. PW was pissed that I essentially "lit $300 on fire", and I can't say that I blame him, but apparently it was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. On this weekend's task list is cleaning up and organizing my sewing space so I'm more aware of where everything is.  
The offender. That sucker's like three inches long. You wouldn't think a housecat could swallow that, but we all know cats don't follow the laws of physics.  

The offender. That sucker's like three inches long. You wouldn't think a housecat could swallow that, but we all know cats don't follow the laws of physics.  

Five for Friday

(NOTE: Squarespace decided to give this an original publish date of 12/31/1969. While hilarious, that meant it got buried. It was supposed to publish 10/16/2015. Sorry.)

1. We found out last week that we are having a girl. We were both in awe of the level of detail we could see in the ultrasound - we could see all four chambers of the heart, y'all! Our parents never had that level of information with us. We spent the whole hour plus going "ooooh! Look at that! Hey, is that the bladder?" And also waiting for her to quit doing somersaults! Child would not stop moving. She seemed annoyed at being poked and prodded. By the end I admit I was sore and ready to stop being punched in the gut, too.

It's going to be an adjustment to expect a daughter. I was so sure it was a boy. Maybe that was wishful thinking. But my brain will slowly come around, I'm sure.

2. My workplace is starting a "Wellness Initiative", where, among other things, if you complete a checkup and enroll in a weight loss program or meditation or whatever, they'll pay you $150. One, that's a drop in the bucket of normal medical costs. That doesn't even buy you a pair of glasses. But more importantly, this sounds like a shady as fuck way to invade our privacy, find ways to rule conditions pre existing and not pay for them, and lean unfairly on those of us that are stuck sick for the rest of our lives. I pushed back to our HR and got soothing pablum in response. Not a fan.

3.  I'm out sick with a fever today and still working from home. Wondering how to find that balance between paticipating wholeheartedly in my job, which I love, and firmly establishing boundaries. My boss answers her cellphone for the faculty at all hours, which I am mostly definitely not going to do. 

4. Tomorrow we have a baby shower, combined with a sip n' see for BIL's new babe. Most of the attendees will be there for BIL et al, which is fine by me, because they're all church crazies. Bluntly. 

5. A group of girlfriends and I are doing a mug exchange and look at the "adorable kitten mug" I got:

The best, or the absolute best? I had a ten minute laughing fit. 

The best, or the absolute best? I had a ten minute laughing fit. 

16 weeks

I honestly wasn't planning on documenting very much of this pregnancy, but this week I've been thinking about how much I don't know about my mother's and grandmother's pregnancies, and what if my kid wants to know what I was feeling? And while what I'm feeling isn't always flattering to the kid, and I can't whitewash it, it still might be a good idea to check in once in a while. And nobody reads this anyway, so it's mostly between me and the kid.

Time elapsed: 16 weeks, 4 days, according to my Ovia app. Depending on who you ask, fetus is the size of a dill pickle, avocado, action figure, or Philippine tarsier.

Sex: Dunno yet. We find out on 10/8, assuming the baby cooperates. We're doing the anatomy scan at the perinatal unit, aka. High Risk City, so it should in theory be pretty detailed. 

Feeling: Better than I expected, in some ways. The whole first trimester, I had almost no Crohn's symptoms, which was pretty damned fantastic, but they're starting to return a bit now, which is disappointing. I don't even get nine months off to make up for the misery that's sure to come? What I did manage to avoid was any and all nausea, minus one evening after far too much delicious ramen bar dinner. Yes, I realize how lucky I am on that front. Sleeping on my side sucks, and is painful, and I've given up on sleeping through the night, and my sciatica is a constant presence. but as I tell people, I've been bloated, achy, and exhausted for 18 years - there's nothing different about now.  

I also may or may not have felt kiddo move last night. I can't tell.

Cravings and Aversions: Give me all the fruits, please. The other night Mr. PW made me a smoothie and I'm pretty sure I might have died of happiness. Frosted Flakes are also my jam. This doesn't bode well for the glucose test. On the other hand, get spicy things the f away from me. 

I miss cocktails! Summer is cocktail sipping season and mocktails are no substitute. I have been having a sample sip of Mr. PW's beers here and there. I'm skeptical of the AVOID EVERYTHING stance. Our grandmothers smoked and drank and ate lunchmeat and underdone steaks all through their pregnancies and miraculously everything turned out fine. Although we did get the Baby Boomers out of that...

Fears and Worries: I have to admit I'm disappointed in the experience so far. I know that's pretty verboten for expectant mothers to say. There's a lot that I'm already having to give up - like it's been pretty much decided that I'm having a scheduled c-section, thanks to the internal scarring and damage I have from past surgeries. And after the birth, I'll most likely be put on a cocktail of medications to try to prevent a massive Crohn's flare. While I understand the long-term need for it, I'm disappointed that even the possibility of a normal birth and recovery is going to be taken away from me. There's so little to excite me about this already, and the tiny things I had to look forward to are being taken from me too. On the other hand, I'm more used to major abdominal surgery than other women, so maybe it'll be less of a big deal?

And, vainly, the scars cris-crossing my belly are preventing a cute little round belly. The one time in my life that I'm allowed to be all rotund and cute, and I just look fat and lumpy.

Is there anything fun about this at all?: There have been fun things. Anticipation of anything is fun. Gathering little baby clothes has been hella fun. Seeing how excited the grandparents are and our friends are has been so fun. And I can't pretend like putting together our registry and deciding on a nursery scheme hasn't been very fun too. And yo, I'm wearing jeans with no waistband right now. Someone tell me why I wouldn't wear maternity pants for the rest of my natural life?

What else is going on in our life: Mr. PW have apparently decided to Buy All The Things before our income is eaten up by day care, so we've gotten a new recliner, a new kitchen table (Room and Board scratch and dent for the win) and we're looking for a new camera and new bedside stands. We also need new phones, a new desktop computer, a new front door, a new light fixture for the hall, repair work on a wall in the kitchen, a new door leading to the garage, shelving over the washer and dryer, and about 800 other little things that will probably not happen for years.

Mr. PW's sister is throwing us a shower, which is very sweet, but I only agreed to it because it will also be a sip n' see for Mr. PW's brother's new baby, and is going to take place roughly ten days before Sister PW's own due date. Yep, for a time, I, Sister PW, and Sis in Law PW were all concurrently pregnant. Insert Catholic jokes here. I haaaaaate showers, but I don't think I can get out of this one. I think it's mostly for MR. PW's aunt, who is unreasonably excited that he's going to be a father, and has already dubbed herself Grauntie. I'm hoping there will be enough happening to take a lot of the attention away from me.

Around all of this is the start of a new school year, which means 18 hour work days and total chaos for the both of us.

Could you maybe not complain for a little while?   I know, I'm sorry. I hate when other people complain non-stop. I'm aware of the luck I have in my life - Mr. PW and I both have stable, supportive jobs, and I'm not on my feet all day for mine. We'll be able to survive on just his income while I'm off recovering. Our families are supportive and excited. I'm not bedridden or puking every ten minutes or swollen beyond recognition. Mr. PW is over the moon for our impending astronaut. This will be good.

Bonus photo:

Me at 12 months. Was I cute or WHAT?

Me at 12 months. Was I cute or WHAT?


Late Summer in Wisconsin is....

Eating Black Krim tomatoes from the garden, drowned in balsamic vinegar.

Wrapping up summer orientation activities, looking forward to the first week in September when the Baby Badgers are here for real. Getting ready to greet my new grad students, and all the attendant challenges that come with that.

Cramming in just one more visit from friends, one more weekend to go see family.

Catching a late-season Twins game in honor of my late father in law. Catching my first glimpse of Miguel Sano' in action.

Accepting delivery (from my brother) of my childhood piano (that's been hanging out at my grandfather's house for years). Not yet having said piano tuned. Experiencing waves of nostalgia sorting through all the sheet music in the bench.

Our lower level looks straight out of 1965.

Hauling home as much free (local, organic) sweet corn from my boss as I can fit on the bus seat next to me. Spending evenings blanching and freezing said corn for enjoyment in December.

Losing our minds over spotting a hummingbird in the backyard. Losing our minds again when we realize the goldfinch pair we've seen for the past three years is back.

Beginning the task of sorting through all the equipment and clothing and tasks that go with a new baby, because I'm expecting our first in February.

Hand me downs are the best, yo.

Spending more time resting than I have available to spend, because growing a human is hard.

Wandering across the perfect new kitchen table for our growing family. Not being able to agree on chairs to go with it.

Wearing a coat to work in late August, because WTF, Wisconsin.

Bracing ourselves for the influx of students, and the end of quiet Madison summers.

Northern Spark

Mr. PW and I went to Minneapolis this weekend to celebrate a cousin graduating from high school and since it was our 8 year engageaversary we decided to make a nice weekend of it. We grabbed a room Saturday night in the Hotel Ivy, which was much swankier than we expected it to be. Mr. PW took me for dessert and drinks at a restaurant he used to sous chef at, and we went for brunch at Victor's 1959 Cafe in the morning, with visits to Kitchen Window and Magers & Quinn before we got on the road to home. 

Mr. PW. plotzes over a cortadito.

We enjoyed ourselves immensely, but there was a serious discussion that evolved over the weekend. You may or may not be aware that the political climate's been a bit tense here in Madison; well, it really has been for years, but lately it's gotten pretty bad for us higher-education folks. So Mr. PW and I have been discussing contingency plans - where we would go if we were forced to leave. Neither of us want to go back to our hometowns, and we'd both want to continue working in higher ed; the U of M and Minneapolis would be a serious contender. I even found a bungalow on Zillow that'd be perfect. 

I mean COME ON.

But in the end we'd both be devastated if we had the leave Madison. We have such close friends here, a few who are of advancing age, that we'd grieve over; we're so settled into the town and our life here that it feels like the place we want to be forever. And starting over somewhere would be too hard.

So cross your fingers for us that cooler heads prevail and we don't have to Make It Work.

Thursday, 7:45 am

Lately I've been having dreams of terrible things: fighting a demon uprising in the Nevada desert; all of my gardens and my food turning to slick, rotting messes in my hands; losing loved ones in crowds and panicking. 

I couldn't tell you why. I don't really believe that dreams represent things; more like they're random messes that the brain has to expel in order to rest. I don't think there's actually going to be a rebellion from Hell in the Las Vegas area.

Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by so much beauty right now, that my subconscious won't accept it for what it is; maybe somewhere in my head I'm sure that there's supposed to be sorrow and tragedy in my life to balance it all out, so it's giving me nightmares.

There's stresses and troubles in my life right now, as I'm sure there are in yours. I wish I could take care of everyone around me, and fix their problems. And I can't.

But it's that most ephemeral of paradises, peony season. I was walking past Allen Centennial Gardens early yesterday morning and made myself a few minutes late to work by stopping to take pictures of almost every one.

I hope you have time to find beauty this weekend, readers.


Our yard space is entering the loveliest of times; summer. Never mind that it's honking cold out. We've been getting dip after dip in the overnights - sometimes as low as 38. We covered the already-planted peas and beans the first time, and then shrugged and waited to see what would happen. As it turns out, nothing. 

The Sugar Anns are producing beautifully; we've already crunched through a handful of pea pods. The Green Arrows are right on their heels. It's so fun to try two versions of a plant and see how their growing and producing patterns differ.

Someone finally identified this as camassia for me. It's in the asparagus family!

The alliums, irises, and camassia are all blooming; we also have jack in the pulpits, bachelor's buttons, phlox, and chives showing up. The peonies and poppies will burst forth in another couple of weeks, too. It's a lovely time of year, only surpassed by the sea of lilies we'll have in about 6 weeks.

There are still so many plants in our yard that I frankly have no clue about; little fluffy things here or there, plants that don't bloom but have unusual foliage; plants that the out of control violets are threatening to smother.

On another note, just a pic before it goes out to my still-baking niece or nephew:

I finished a very simple quilt a few weeks ago but haven't gotten it out the door yet, despite the fact that it was made infinitely faster by using precuts. Is that cheating? I'm not sure I care. I've got at least three more on deck that I'm not sure I'll get to before the growing season is over.

I always have more ambition than time or energy.


Black Bart and Brady

I just got the most darling phone call! Yes, I work where I can categorize business calls as darling. Now darling doesn't look like a word. Darling darling darling darling darling.

ANYWAY. Sweet lady, perhaps retirement age, on the hunt for a source for barley straw for her two donkeys that will be arriving in May. She was so excited that she wanted to share everything with me - how she met them, what their names are, the nutritional needs of donkeys, some kind of foot illness they get when they have too much sugar, how smart and inquisitive they are - "people just underestimate them!" - how people use them for sheep guardians - I got to hear it all! But I'm not even mad, because she was obviously in love with her new babies and SO EXCITE. How can my day be bad after that?

You gotta admit, that's a pretty charming face.

Five Feedings a Day

Last night Momma PW Facetimed us to show us the baby squirrels she was fostering for a few days through her volunteer position at the Fox Valley Wildlife Center. She had them in a towel-covered box, and pulled one out to show us:

Now tell me that's not adorable. Except for the disturbingly human-looking ears. Cannot unsee now, can you?

We're not terrible fans of adult squirrels in our house (because we're gardeners) but any baby is cute, and an animal in need deserves care, period. And come on, look at that widdle facy-face. The babies are only a couple of weeks old - the eyes aren't open, they have no fur, and of course they're drinking milk. Momma PW gives them milk in syringes every couple of hours, and after a couple of days they go back to the center where the staff can take care of them. The eventual goal is a full release into the wild, so it's important that staff cares for them as they get older so they don't imprint on humans.

Momma PW loves volunteering at the center! It's so much fun to get a phone call from her after a long day cleaning cages and feeding raccoons.  Sometimes she even gets to interact with rare animals like great horned owls or red foxes. It's really a second career for her, and I think if she didn't have so much family to care for she'd be there more often.

A Nail I can Hang The Day On

I don't normally get coffee in the morning. Our mornings are too compressed, too hectic to fit in the boiling of water, the steeping of grounds, and the packing away of a thermos in my bag. Mr. PW brews coffee in his office but I share my space with two other ladies, so I've refrained thus far, keeping coffee as a weekend indulgence, best appreciated in pajamas, perhaps with a cat or two tucked around me.

Today I happened to pack some cold coffee with me, as a treat, poured into a mason jar with a more than healthy jigger of half and half and a luxurious drip of simple syrup. And I couldn't help but notice that the mid-morning yawns and the after-lunch heavy eyes never appeared. I had a sense of purpose all day, knocking more items off my to-do list today than I have all week. I always thought I was relatively immune to caffeine. I've always been able to get to sleep after a late-night soda relatively easily, but I'm wondering if impending old age* and recent cutbacks in soda consumption have given me a new sensitivity.

And it kinda sucks, and I kind of hate it, because I shouldn't need to resort to stimulants to be competent, or make it through the day without bobbing for apples at my desk. How do you do it? Anyone have any tips for me?  I can't shake the feeling that no one is as constantly tired as I am; that no one struggles to complete basic life functions like I do, that I'm falling father and farther behind everyone I know.

Coffee by McKay Savage

*I'll be 33 in a couple of weeks, guys. That's super old.

It'll be Spring on Friday.

The Trees

The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too,
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh. 


-Philip Larkin

Permission to Delete

Raise your hand if you're glad the holidays are over. Yeah, me too.

I say every year "Oh! I don't really make resolutions!" and then I kinda do. And then promptly forget about them by February. But lately I decided on something that might work out:

Premise: We have many objects and much stuff in our lives, in our space, and taking up our time. With each object present, we have to ask ourselves: is it important in my life? If it is, I must treat it with importance. If not, get rid of it.

Proposal: I give myself Permission to Delete. My brain panics and shuts down when it's confronted with too much stuff. My house is filled with too much stuff. my pantry is filled with too much stuff. My closet is filled with too much stuff. My phone is filled with too much stuff. My file cabinet is filled with too much stuff. Time to be a little ruthless, and when that little voice squeaks "But what if...?", to bleeping ignore it.

- No Scrolling, Skimming, or Skipping aka I'm Pretty Sure Anna Kendrick Doesn't Care If I Unfollow Her on Instagram. Part of the reason I'm always glued to my phone is because I'm on everything. I'm the social media director at work, which means I'm tuned in to Twitter etc. five days a week for that, too.  But I'm scrolling past half of my subscriptions! If it isn't relevant or I don't care, then I don't need it. Unfollow, Unfriend, Unsubscribe. If I miss it in three months I can add it back.

- No Hoarding, aka That Chumbawumba album Is Probably on Spotify. I remember when I was little, my yiayia would carry around a big purse and into that purse would go little stashes of everything she could grab - paper napkins and ketchup packets from McDonalds, great handfuls of mints from restaurants, little tubes of perfume samples, rubber bands and pens from the bank - anything she could grab and use instead of buying her own. I thought it was weird and frankly, a little embarrassing, until my mother told me that Yiayia was a Depression baby. I remember turning that over in my mind, thinking about what it must have meant to her to once have had so little and now have so much plenty all around her, and how she never could break the habit of just in case. I realized I'd picked it up from her when I discovered hair products that didn't work, nail polish I hated, CDs I never listen to, paper napkins in the junk drawer, years' worth of magazines, rubber bands in the bottom of my work bag, coupons for things we don't buy, canned foods long since expired - stuff all over, and in the past few years when times have been tight I've indulged the need to save, just in case. Lately something's just snapped, like a knotted muscle finally releasing, and I'm looking at things with a more critical eye. Maybe it's visiting friends' gorgeous homes and realizing that my home has no chance of being that way without some major work. Maybe it's the fact that our money woes are easing a bit. Maybe it's because I'll be 33 in April and I just don't have the energy for this nonsense anymore. Whatever - there's a pile in the guest room closet that's going to the charity shop Saturday morning. 

- Treat the things that matter, like they matter. My friends matter. Time to be a little less passive with my friendships. My home matters. Time to get the old stuff updated and make it into a welcoming environment. Mr. PW matters. Time to renew thinking about how my behavior and choices effect him. My time matters. Time to start treating it like the non-renewable resource it is.

Well, now it's out there. I'm probably going to go back on it, then go back to it, then go back on it. I'll start with the cat hair behind the bookshelves, and go from there.


Change of Address

(Note: Wrote this in October but for some reason I haven't been able to bring myself to post it. Maybe it's gotten easier with passing time. I still cry when I see him.)

Last weekend Mr. PW and I, being in Illinois for another event, went to go visit my Papou in his new nursing home. It was unavoidable that he go; he'd had a serious fall in July that left him in the hospital for a while and continuing health issues necessitate supervision. He'd managed to make it to his mid-eighties living alone, quite an accomplishment.


He was happy and talkative, really settled in to his new home. He told us stories about how nice the place was, how good the food was and all the stuff there was to do and how nicely the staff cared for him.


My Papou's lived an incredible life. A native Cuban that left in the mid-fifties to avoid getting sucked into the revolution (the Castros were family friends and to be educated and known by name was suddenly very, very dangerous). A doctor that reached the rank of Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force. A second husband to a strong, intelligent (and more than occasionally batshit) Greek woman with a gaggle of daughters who have doted on him and cared for him to this day. The only grandfather I've ever known. The smell of expensive cigars and $10 slipped into my hand every time I saw him. Watching us splash in the waves in Sand Key. Red snapper and fried plantains. A solid, quiet guy that in all my memory has never raised his voice to me.

Someone who's supposed to be there forever.

I've certainly encountered death before. My Yiayia and both fathers-in-law, all gone within five years of each other. I know it comes for all of us. And Papou certainly isn't dying yet.

But suddenly knowing that he is in his last home and that his family is now all Visitors - that's been a shock. I haven't been able to go see him without crying in the car on the way home.

And then we go back to Wisconsin and go back to work and do laundry and shop for groceries, and the fact that we're not bringing him with us hurts, despite the knowledge that we're utterly unprepared and unable to care for him.

I don't know. How do you write about the grief process when you're in the middle of it? And make no mistake, it's grieving. It's grief for the slow loss of vitality, for the loss of a long future taken for granted. It's grief for the knowledge that I will go through this, again and again, with everyone I care for, everyone that means anything to me. The knowledge that I will go through it myself, and if I'm lucky, someone will be there to cry over me.


What's the internet version of a doppelganger?

I get emails that aren't addressed to me. Well, they are, but not me me. They're sent to a woman whose name was my maiden name and for some reason is incapable of giving people her correct address.

I have my Joannamaidenname@gmail and Joanna.maidenname@gmail accounts forwarded to my current email so I don't have to keep signing in and out and occasionally I'll receive a daycare newsletter or emailed receipt or missive from a relative addressed to someone who is most definitely not me. At first I would reply to each email, asking them to contact their Joanna and get the correct address, but I've started just deleting them (except for the sweet note from her grandma; I replied to that one. Grandma deserves to know).

So far I've learned a few things. My namesharer lives in Australia. She has family in London. He grandmother's a sweet lady who seems to like growing roses. She has at least one child. She pays property taxes online. And she seems to be a bit of an idiot if she can't remember her own email address.


And yes, I would totally go in and just close the accounts down. If I remembered the passwords.


Image found here

Perhaps (Vera Brittain, 1919)

Perhaps some day the sun will shine again,
And I shall see that still the skies are blue,
And feel once more I do not live in vain,
Although bereft of You.

Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet
Will make the sunny hours of spring seem gay,
And I shall find the white May-blossoms sweet,
Though You have passed away.

Perhaps the summer woods will shimmer bright,
And crimson roses once again be fair,
And autumn harvest fields a rich delight,
Although You are not there.

Perhaps some day I shall not shrink in pain
To see the passing of the dying year,
And listen to Christmas songs again,
Although You cannot hear.'

But though kind Time may many joys renew,
There is one greatest joy I shall not know
Again, because my heart for loss of You
Was broken, long ago.

Blood and Water

 My Mother's Kitchen

I will inherit my mother’s kitchen,
her glasses, some tall and lean others short and fat
her plates, an ugly collection from various sets,
cups bought in a rush on different occasions
rusty pots she doesn’t throw away.
“Don’t buy anything just yet”, she says,
“soon all of this will be yours”.

My mother is planning another escape
for the first time home is her destination,
the rebuilt house which she will furnish.
At 69 she is excited about starting from scratch.
It is her ninth time.

She never talks about her lost furniture
when she kept leaving her homes behind.
She never feels regret for things
only her vine in the front garden
which spread over the trellis on the porch.
She used to sing for the grapes to ripen,
sew cotton bags to protect them from the bees.
I will never inherit my mother’s trees.

Choman Hardi

My mother and brother recently got their DNA analyzed to find out what their heritage was. My mother's was no surprise - 100% Greek - but my brother and I have always wondered if my dad is as Irish as he thinks he is. The results that came back for my brother were confusing and fascinating - 50% Greek, 19% Scandinavian, 10% Western European, 8% Western Asia, 5% Middle Eastern, and 3% Caucasian (from the Caucus region). 

Obviously that 50% Greek is from my mom's side, and I suspect that 10% is the Irish Dad claims, but Scandinavian? We never knew. Mr. PW immediately scoffed and remarked "Vikings, of course." And I suppose that makes sense. But where do the Western Asian, Caucasian, and Middle Eastern come in? I'm having a hard time with the math. It makes more sense that those parts of me would be intermingled with the Greek half out of sheer proximity, but Mom can only be 50% of me. I'll never know how my ancestors moved across Europe, intermingling (or raping), spreading genes and blood and heritage until I emerged in 1982, a red-faced baby with a shock of black hair, the product of a marriage not meant to last, destined to have a single sibling that I don't always understand but always love, sharing this hazy history.

I remember when my brother was younger, he went through a time insisting that he didn't care about his heritage, and that he was just "American". Now that he's a decade older, he's changed his mind. I suppose aging does that - gives you the ability to see the long view and get a better sense of all that goes into the creation of each of us. You also start to realize that in fact, you're not special and unique in a grand, change the world way, but you are special in a more humble way, and you start to think about the legacy you want to leave.

As Mr. PW and I get older and start to think about having a family, I think about sending kids that are only 25% Greek to Greek school, taking kids that are only 25% Greek to a Greek church. Sometimes it seems like there's no point, and sometimes it seems like that's all the more reason to cling to the heritage, despite the fact that I'm a Greek school dropout, can't speak more than a few words, and my first pastitsio was a disaster of epic proportions. Should I bother forcing a culture on my kids that they might only vaguely identify with? 

Who knows how accurate all this testing is in the end. Maybe it's what we choose to be, in the best American tradition of recreating oneself. And maybe we can't escape who we are.